just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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