I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
