i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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