I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
