Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
