Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
