i think i scared a bird with my dick
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
