Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
