yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
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