my phone needs a breathalizer
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
