Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
