On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
