I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
