what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
