Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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