Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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