also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We need to get me chipped asap
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
