im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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