i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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