I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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