you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
