Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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