shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
