Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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