i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
