I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
