Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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