I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
