you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
