forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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