i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
