remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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