I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She's the barista slut.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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