I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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