she was so not down for the gang bang
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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