My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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