seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize