Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
