I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
