3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
