Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
