she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
