My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
