i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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