So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
