Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
