and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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