Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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