Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
