i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
