My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
