I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
