There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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