Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
