woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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