i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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