I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
