I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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